Nothing that hasn't already been said before

By others, but I'll say it anyway because it's what's in my head now.

Spring. There is definitely something to it. God really knew what He was doing when He made this season. To watch in a week, the snow almost all melted, winter coats shed, the smells of car exhaust and dust mixed with the fresh smell of trees and grass that will soon turn green. I'm anxious to go for a walk, begin shedding some of the extra winter "warmth" and the desire for fresh fruit and veggies has dramatically increased.

The tension and seeming hopelessness of winter is failing and the ease and hope of spring has claimed hold of my heart. Even the emotional and mental challenges that seem so intense when the sky is overcast and gray, they seem manageable and even able to be overcome now. Perhaps it's not all to be blamed on the seasons, but there is something so incredible about the whole season change.

Of course much of it is that I'm coming through the other side of challenges and it happens to coincide with spring, but what a coincidence that is! I very much enjoy the changes that are going on. The potential that life holds seems so much more possible right now!

In other words... it's a good day.

Busy, emotional, life goes on...

Today is a busy day at work. I'm tired of everyone saying "...at least you have a job..." While that may be true, it doesn't mean I enjoy my job any more than I did before. It's still a sucky place to be. But it's ok, life goes on and something better will come in time. Until then, biding my time.

 

Emotional. I watched a movie this weekend and there was a scene in it that messed me right up. I keep picturing this scene in my head, the intensity of the emotions, everything that keeps happening. Usually movies don't affect me, but probably because I've been going through so much anyway, I'm extra sensitive right now... or something.

 

Processing, processing...

Blowing the dust off the shelf...

Since returning from California, life seems to be a blur. The days are melting into each other until I can't tell what belongs where anymore. After spending two years being encouraged, challenged, growing and stretching, being "home" feels a bit empty. Finding my next step feels like stepping off the cliff in Indiana Jones, I've been told there's a bridge there, but it's the leap of faith to get to it... and what if it's actually a few feet to the left and I fall off?

It all seems very vague and uncertain, and that's how I feel. I'm not sure what I'm "supposed" be doing, or where I "should" be going. Granted there are people who seem to know that for me, but I don't know.

Today I received word that the job I applied for, isn't mine. They decided not to create the position in their company at this time and I'm actually really quite disappointed about it. Not that it was my dream career, but it was closer to something I would enjoy doing. Maybe God shut that door because there are other things I will be doing, but how frustrated I am with where I am at right now.

One day at a time though. it's my mantra, it's how I get through right now, because I just don't know if I can do more than that. Sometimes it's an hour at a time, sometimes less... but I'm making it through. And I know soon, after these growing pains are done, the sky will be brighter, the air fresher and I'll begin to dream again. Dreaming is evasive, but I'll get there. And when I do, it will be so good.

The Nicest Thing

This is one of the nicest things anyone's said about me:

"We're so blessed to have our friend lead from the piano/keyboard. She's so sensitive the Spirit I've been telling people she's accompanying Him. It's precious every time we meet."
TL

After leading worship for a conference this past weekend, it was good to know that I'm actually ok at what I'm doing! It's been a long journey (a long story) to get back to worship again, let alone leading it!

Between this and returning to the Yardbird Jam Nights, I think I'm getting back into this. Oh, and it looks like I might be taking some piano lessons again from one of the best in the city! That's pretty cool.

OK... late night.

Later.

Life

There are times when life just happens and I feel like I can't catch up. There's this breaking point (for me, usually a mini-meltdown) where my insides hurt and I just want to crawl somewhere and have a good cry. But having moved back in with the parental units, it seems like there is no space that's really my own where I'll be uninterrupted.

Mostly right now the frustrations are coming from missing the church I was at (the school too) for the last two years. Having been through a crazy experience and developing these great friendships and being at a place where my paradigms were totally adjusted, coming home seems awkward and ill-fitting at times. My church here feels like something needs to break open in the spiritual realm. There is this underground contingent of people who are searching for something more, something real... but it's not here yet. God is so real to me and I want that for other people, but I have no idea how to share that right now. The last few weeks I've actually skipped Sunday services because I cannot listen to another hopeless message. If we aren't preaching hope, then what's the point?

Along with all of that, I'm afraid I offended someone quite close to me. It was completely unintentional, I was tired and frustrated and stressed out and it came through in my tone of voice on an answering machine. The last thing in the world I want to do is offend them, but sometimes it seems what's pushing on my own heart is coming through and I cannot hide those things as well as I want to. And by hide, I only mean until there's a good chance to talk about it with who I need to talk about it, not to hide forever.

Anyway - a little depressing, but journal writing was too slow and I just didn't know who to call. So here it goes, out into the wild blue yonder where anyone can read it and I don't even care.

Fun times.

Life Change

Over and over again I become dissatisfied with my appearance, my weight more specifically. And I say I will start something. I will start working out, I will do something. Well, it seems like that time again. Now, at the heaviest point again, life needs to change. Healthy habits will be created and unhealthy ones will be discarded. I really need to find someone to work on this with me.

Have I mentioned how tired I am of the... "but you don't look overweight" or the "but you carry it well."

I'm tired of carrying it and the negative impact it is having on my health, energy and life.

So... here it goes again. I signed up for the Body-For-Life Challenge and expect to begin on June 30th. We'll see what happens. The advantage is that my new job (starting Monday) is right beside my favorite gym which I will get a membership at again.

Fun times. Blah.

The Great Countdown

In eighteen days, at about this time of night (hopefully a little earlier than this actually), I will be walking into the e-town airport. Home again! I am excited about it, though it's not the only emotion as I have now spent the better part of two years here in California. Ah - the weather! There is definitely a joy in sitting outside in shorts and a tank top while talking on the phone to mom & dad who are sitting at home watching a snow-storm outside in April! Haha!

The last few months have been good and I've gotten to travel a bit more. This year I have gone on a total of six trips and they have all been within the States; six trips with school that is. I've gone to: Fortuna, CA (20 minutes South of Eureka); Valporaiso, IN (twice, a little over an hour West of Chicago); Woodland, WA (just North of Portland); Concord, NC and Pepperell, MA (about 40 minutes outside Boston). My favorite trips were to Valporaiso because of the people there, and that happens to include my Aunt & Uncle and five beautiful cousins who were here in Redding last year! It was so wonderful to spend time with them again and also get to minister at the church they are pastors at. There is also some extended family there as well as some new friends I made.

Travel was probably one of my favourite parts of the year because of the people, getting to see different parts of North America, and getting to minister with the pastors of Bethel in a smaller group.

This year I have had three visitors from home and that was very incredible for me! With not being able to go home at all this year, I have been a little more homesick than I was last year. (First Christmas away from home – hopefully that won't happen again anytime soon!) Anyway, the first was the most surprise visit - a belated Christmas present. That was very special. Then a couple of weeks ago I received a message asking my "hypothetically" which days would work best for a visit and my good pal J came to surprise me. Not only that but she took me to Eureka for the weekend and we hung out at a book store and stayed in the cutest old b&b! On top of that, we also made a little trip to the spa. While she was here, my friend A called me and told me she was coming down to visit! Two hours after J left, A showed up and it was more spoiling for me! It included another trip to the spa and some new clothes and lots of time with my friends. Very cool!

Those were just a couple of highlights.

Other than that, I am soon packing my room (my few possessions) and preparing once again to transition.

That reminds me… when I get back to e-town – I need a JOB!! If you know of any great opportunities that would be perfect for me, please let me know! (And if you're actually IN e-town, that would probably be good).

If you are wondering what the plan is for next year, well so am I. I did apply for third year (as an intern) and have been accepted (of course). Financially, this is totally impossible at this point. I would love to move to Valporaiso because of the people and opportunity I would have to serve at an incredible church. And finally (and most likely), I will remain in e-town working and hopefully getting involved with some churches locally.

Fun times.

Sorry this was so long.

Later.

Oh… I accept questions and I'll probably even respond to them if you want to ask me stuff!

Adventure Awaits...

On Wednesday I received a message from a friend wondering "hypothetically" which days would work best for her to visit. All I knew was that I was to pack an overnight bag and be ready to go by dinnertime. Last night she arrived at about 6:30pm, I grabbed my bag and she whisked me away off into the sunset (literally - it was bright) for an adventure-filled weekend! At 10pm we arrived in Eureka, CA at a little bed & breakfast place called The Daly Inn (http://www.dalyinn.com/) and were shown to the "Victorian Rose Suite". So fun! Breakfast was sit-down promptly at 9am.

Now we're off to explore Eureka. Apparently there is a really fantastic used-book store here (like I need more books) among other things. So we'll go there, check out rummage sales or garage sales, probably look at the beach and who knows what else!

So fun! (Hypothetically speaking of course! Haha!)

Later...

Bathroom Fixed

Brief update... I switched the doorknob from my bedroom (with lock) to the master bath door and visa-versa. No one ever comes into my room ever so this was good. And now I can use the toilet and shower without being stressed out at the possibility of someone walking in on me!

Such peace.